As I'm sure everyone knows, the early part of the year is when movie studios, having shot their Oscar wad back in December, release all of their really crappy movies. I never see any of them--I try very hard not to watch really crappy movies--but I'm still subjected to watching commercials for them, and a little piece of my soul dies every time I see one.
There's one I've started seeing a lot, for what looks to be some sort of family comedy starring Vin Diesel. Yes, that's right, Vin Diesel in a family comedy. Obviously he's following the patented Arnold Schwarzenegger Method for Being a Big Movie Star. I guess if you're going to ape someone's career moves, Arnold would be a good one to pick.
Anyway, the first time I saw the commercial I was sort of chuckling to myself and shaking my head in a Not if you were the last movie on earth kind of way, when I realized that Lauren Graham is also in the film. Well, that stopped my chuckling. Because I know that, like an insect helplessly drawn to its fiery death in one of those bug zappers, I am eventually going to cause myself grievous spiritual harm by watching this movie. Mind you, I don't think I'll actually spend any money on it, but sooner or later it's going to show up on TBS or FX, and that fateful day will find my ass on a couch. Such is the power of my crush on Lauren Graham.
Herewith a Top Five list of the worst movies I've ever sat through because I was all crushed out on somebody who was in it:
Top Five Worst Movies I've Ever Sat Through Because I Was All Crushed Out On Somebody Who Was In It
The rankings in this list are based less on the quality of the movie (since they all suck) and more on the depth of my ardor.
5) Daredevil (Jennifer Garner) I suspect that Elektra might be worse, but I haven't seen it. Prolly rent the DVD though. Sigh.
4) Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (Helena Bonham Carter) What a mess. Branagh should stick to Shakespeare.
3) Taboo (Amber Benson) The less said about this, the better.
2) Paradise (Phoebe Cates) Co-stars Willie Aames and a chimpanzee.
And the number one worst movie I've ever sat through because I was all crushed out on somebody who was in it...
1) I Love You, I Love You Not (Claire Danes) Did you know that Nazis are bad? Because they are. Man, I could've done an entire Top Five just with Claire Danes movies: The Mod Squad, Brokedown Palace...the list goes on, and I've seen them all. Yeah, my thing with Claire got a little too close to obsession, but in fairness to me, it was an extraordinarily difficult time in my life (the mid- to late '90s, that is) and I should have been medicated and I wasn't.
And now, in fairness to the actors above, here's a Top Five list of good movies that they were in:
Top Five Good Movies Starring the Actors From the Previous Top Five List
5) Jennifer Garner: Washington Square. Okay, "starring" might be a stretch, but she was in it.
4) Helena Bonham Carter: A Room with a View. Gorgeous film; still one of my faves.
3) Amber Benson: King of the Hill. Not a great movie, but a good one, and my favorite film role for Amber (small as it is).
2) Phoebe Cates: Fast Times at Ridgemont High. But of course.
1) Claire Danes: Little Women. Classic adaptation of a classic book.
More on the celebrity crush tip: the other night on Lost, Matthew Fox's character revealed some lovely ink on his left shoulder. Aitch-oh-double-tee HOTT. I do believe I dropped back a notch on the Kinsey scale just from seeing that.
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2 comments:
Oh man, someone besides me actually watched Taboo??
Well, being Jenny, of course you did.
That really was one of the most inept movies ever. Wow.
-nkl
I have seen that commercial! But only once. I'm sorry that Lauren Graham is in it. Luckily for me, I don't have a crush on her, so my opinion of this film is: "At least it's not another talking animal movie." Because, seriously. Seriously.
I will now neglect to mention all the horrible, horrible movies I have watched because they starred Kirsten Dunst. Oh boy.
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